Who is This Eejit With a Pen?

So begins that promised Buzzfeed-esque list, for your dubious reading pleasure. Answered here are such momentous questions as, Who is my favourite composer? and, How do I take my tea? and, What is the airspeed of an unleaden swallow? The answer to this question is, of course, 42. 42 what? Nobody knows. If your good sense has not yet overtaken your curiosity, read on!

I. Favourite Things
Raindrops on Roses Sold Separately

  1. Tea: In no particular order — sen-matcha, genmaicha, hojicha, Scottish breakfast tea, lychee pu-erh, chocolate pu-ehr, mint melange, and hibiscus [in my case this one is more like sugar with hibiscus-flavoured water in it]. I make a batch of my own concoction weekly, which has no name but might reasonably be called peppermint-catmint-chamomile-skullcap-cinnamon tisane. Yes, I know the difference between tea and tisane, and no, won’t frown at you if you don’t. Just don’t spill my tea, I will cry.
  2. Comic Universe: Marvel, fullstop. The late Stan Lee had a vision, a sense of humour, and a sense of honour. He had a talent to see the word between what it is and what it could be. His creations reflect this in every iteration. Sorry, Batman.
  3. Soda: I don’t drink soda often, but when I do it’s going to be butterbeer [the soda, not the medieval drink, obviously,this is the soda question]. I do enjoy the rare Roy Rogers on occasion, but butterbeer [the soda] is my favourite — followed at a close second by cinnamon cola.
  4. Dead People: Grace O’Malley — she was an alley cat although actually she was a pirate; Ambrose Bierce; Steve Irwin, my second father [wasn’t he everyone’s?]; and Fred Rogers [everyone’s kindest neighbour]. Those last two are actually my favourites, and I miss them a lot; the first two are just fun to read about.
  5. Food: Dumplings. Any type of dumpling, really — pasty, pierogi, ravioli, gnocci, gyoza, xiaolongbao, tangyuan, daifuku… A very close second — sushi.
  6. Bread: Yes it’s also a food, and no I don’t care. Stop me, I dare you. This one is a close tie between sourdough and Irish sweet bread. Although honourable mention goes to lemon poppyseed…
  7. Jokes: The very lamest, stupidest jokes are the best. STEM jokes, socio-political satire, pithy one-liners, and any yo mama joke ever uttered.
  8. Classical Composers: Mozart, Rachmaninoff, and of course Tchaikovsky.
  9. Contemporary Composers: John Williams, Joe Hisaishi, and Yoko Kanno.
  10. Insults: If we are judging by most often used, then it’s got to be either numpty or absolute fuckwit. Of course I’ve got plenty I use when the occasion calls for it, but perhaps I ought not to list them here, you know, they’re rather rude…
  11. Pranks: Multi-layer pranks are the craic! A classic template is comprised of three parts — the setup, the prank, and the reprise. For example, hypothetically, you might feed your victim friend chocolate-covered onion — nasty! So they might then reach for their trusty water bottle, which just so happens to have a toy spider inside of it — ew! So they might then startle and jump, and it might just so happen that the top is unscrewed… Hypothetically. Also, spiders — spider everywhere, that is always funny.

II. Who, What, Why, When, Where + How
The Real Soup Questions

  1. What is your superpower?
    I rather like the idea of morphing, that is, shapeshifting. Can you imagine turning into a fox? I love foxes! Foxes are my spirit animal. How about turning into a dragon? I’m a dragon according to the Chinese Zodiac. If not a dragon, then a Giganotosaurus, or a deinonychus, or a horse.
  2. How do you keep organised?
    Lists, everywhere! I utilise corkboards and write lists on index cards. I stick notes on magnetic strips. Also, I’ve got wicker baskets all over; they’re dead useful, and pretty to boot. And where it’s relevant, I add alarms to my phone. So very many alarms.
  3. What have you been reading this year?
    In 2019 I was reading a lot of nonfiction: the history of San Francisco, the theory of biohistory, books about Bernie Sanders and Elon Musk, and some Stephen Hawking. Now in 2020, I have been leaning more toward fiction again: presently I am making my way through Westeros. I’d love to read more whimsical crack — is that an official genre? It should be.
  4. Why?
    Generally, or why specifically? This is a truly important distinction. But of course the answer will be the same: whyever not?