ONE: You’re very odd.
TWO: [Vague] Am I?
TWO: [Calm] Oh.
I thought I was exceptionally odd — one of those people who’ll one day live in a big spooky house next to a dark alleyway and be responsible for all the stray cats in the village…somehow or other.
ONE: Just admit it, I’ve corrupted you — thoroughly and expertly.
TWO: [:Opens mouth to reply:]
ONE: Oh be quiet and let me gloat in peace, will you?
ONE: I’ve had a bad day.
TWO: No you haven’t.
ONE: [Indignant] The fuck? My teacher’s going to flunk me because I didn’t like her dress!
TWO: I got home to find my sister making out with my wife.
TWO: Yeah, oh.
ONE: [Panicked] Are you completely out of your mind?!
TWO: [Mild] No.
ONE: Wha- But you…you want us to go in there, and…and, well…
THREE: You sure you’re not just a little bit mad?
TWO: [Pointedly] You asked if I was completely out of my mind, which I am not.
ONE & THREE: [Disbelieving] …Right.
ONE: [:Laughs:] That wasn’t exactly nice.
TWO: This is America. I don’t have to be nice, I just have to be pretty.
ONE: ‘Land of the free, home of the brave’?
TWO: Well, yeah. I’d consider a threesome rather brave, wouldn’t you?
ONE: What is it you expect I should do all day, sir?
TWO: I don’t know, write a book – or read one, I’ve got plenty to choose from. You could train — but my swords are crap. Steal some from someplace, or buy them; if you opt not to pay, don’t get caught and if you do, deny it and blame someone else, not me. I’ve got to go, have fun, don’t kill my cat.
ONE: I would be fine doing my job, fulfilling my purpose and then leaving. But people will insist on trying to befriend me. So I try to go along with it and screw it up every time.
ONE: [Snarky] With my mouth, usually.
[Mockingly thoughtful] –Although, I suppose on occasion it might involve fish sticks.
ONE injured through electromagnetic technology]
ONE: I suppose I’m just a magnet for trouble.
TWO: That’s a horrible pun.
ONE: Oh…there’s a certain attraction to it, I think.
TWO: No, really.
ONE: It was a dark and stormy night.
TWO: It may be windy but it’d hardly stormy–
ONE: It was a dark and stormy night, because this is how these stories always begin, it’s tradition, tradition is important, everyone says so.
[Discussing differences in customs]
ONE: How might that be received? Let’s say, for example, that I were to ravish you against a wall.
TWO: –…ravish me-
ONE: For example.
ONE: That’s cheating.
ONE: [amused] You’re not a ninja.
TWO: No, I’m an engineer – it’s basically the same thing.
ONE: [challenging] And when they come to attack and you have failed to prepare, what will you do?
TWO: [pondering] Die, likely. Then, a bit of mouldering under the ground. If I’m lucky, perhaps I’ll grow to be a turnip! I always liked turnips…
ONE: I – have a problem.
TWO: You have several, which are we talking about now?
ONE: You’ve embarrassed him. Look at that, he’s a squawking tomato.
TWO: It’s the highlight of my day.
ONE: Ah, I knew there was a reason I liked you.
TWO: Really? I thought it was the tits.
ONE: [splutters drink] I- you- you are a horrible person.
TWO: [salutes with drink] Cheers.
THREE: Don’t worry, bud, I’m not laughing at you.
TWO: And you, [ONE]?
ONE: [matter of fact] Well. I would say I’m not laughing at you, but I feel that honesty is more conducive to a healthy relationship.
TWO: [nods once] Laughing at me, then.
ONE: Oh yes, most certainly.
ONE: [chipper] Good morning.
TWO: [smirking] Good evening, too?
ONE: I am a gentleman. If you want details, you’ll have to ask my wife.