snippets :: conversations

ONE: You’re very odd.
TWO: [Vague] Am I?
ONE: Yeah.
TWO: [Calm] Oh.
I thought I was exceptionally odd — one of those people who’ll one day live in a big spooky house next to a dark alleyway and be responsible for all the stray cats in the village…somehow or other.

–:–:–

ONE: Just admit it, I’ve corrupted you — thoroughly and expertly.
TWO: [:Opens mouth to reply:]
ONE: Oh be quiet and let me gloat in peace, will you?

–:–:–

ONE: I’ve had a bad day.
TWO: No you haven’t.
ONE: [Indignant] The fuck? My teacher’s going to flunk me because I didn’t like her dress!
TWO: I got home to find my sister making out with my wife.
ONE: …Oh.
TWO: Yeah, oh.

–:–:–

ONE: [Panicked] Are you completely out of your mind?!
TWO: [Mild] No.
ONE: Wha- But you…you want us to go in there, and…and, well…
THREE: You sure you’re not just a little bit mad?
TWO: [Pointedly] You asked if I was completely out of my mind, which I am not.
ONE & THREE: [Disbelieving] …Right.

–:–:–

ONE: [:Laughs:] That wasn’t exactly nice.
TWO: This is America. I don’t have to be nice, I just have to be pretty.
ONE: ‘Land of the free, home of the brave’?
TWO: Well, yeah. I’d consider a threesome rather brave, wouldn’t you?

–:–:–

ONE: What is it you expect I should do all day, sir?
TWO: I don’t know, write a book – or read one, I’ve got plenty to choose from. You could train — but my swords are crap. Steal some from someplace, or buy them; if you opt not to pay, don’t get caught and if you do, deny it and blame someone else, not me. I’ve got to go, have fun, don’t kill my cat.

–:–:–

ONE: I would be fine doing my job, fulfilling my purpose and then leaving. But people will insist on trying to befriend me. So I try to go along with it and screw it up every time.
TWO: How?
ONE: [Snarky] With my mouth, usually.
[Mockingly thoughtful] –Although, I suppose on occasion it might involve fish sticks.

–:–:–

ONE injured through electromagnetic technology]
ONE: I suppose I’m just a magnet for trouble.
TWO: That’s a horrible pun.
ONE: Oh…there’s a certain attraction to it, I think.
TWO: No, really.

–:–:–

ONE: It was a dark and stormy night.

TWO: It may be windy but it’d hardly stormy

ONE: It was a dark and stormy night, because this is how these stories always begin, it’s tradition, tradition is important, everyone says so.

–:–:–

[Discussing differences in customs]
ONE: How might that be received? Let’s say, for example, that I were to ravish you against a wall.
TWO: –…ravish me-
ONE: For example.

–:–:–

ONE: That’s cheating.
TWO: NINJA.
ONE: [amused] You’re not a ninja.
TWO: No, I’m an engineer – it’s basically the same thing.

–:–:–

ONE: [challenging] And when they come to attack and you have failed to prepare, what will you do?
TWO: [pondering] Die, likely. Then, a bit of mouldering under the ground. If I’m lucky, perhaps I’ll grow to be a turnip! I always liked turnips…

–:–:–

ONE: I – have a problem.
TWO: You have several, which are we talking about now?

–:–:–

ONE: You’ve embarrassed him. Look at that, he’s a squawking tomato.
TWO: It’s the highlight of my day.
ONE: Ah, I knew there was a reason I liked you.
[takes sip]
TWO: Really? I thought it was the tits.
ONE: [splutters drink] I- you- you are a horrible person.
TWO: [salutes with drink] Cheers.

–:–:–

THREE: Don’t worry, bud, I’m not laughing at you.
TWO: And you, [ONE]?
ONE: [matter of fact] Well. I would say I’m not laughing at you, but I feel that honesty is more conducive to a healthy relationship.
TWO: [nods once] Laughing at me, then.
ONE: Oh yes, most certainly.

–:–:–

ONE: [chipper] Good morning.
TWO: [smirking] Good evening, too?
ONE: I am a gentleman. If you want details, you’ll have to ask my wife.

–:–:–